The Shock and Awe of Baby #4

This is guest post from Kayla at Be sure to check out her blog after reading her post!

I was feeling nauseous when I woke up from a mid-day nap. With three rambunctious children I don’t normally have that luxury but this day I couldn’t fight it, I was exhausted. I woke up with the thought, I am pregnant. But I couldn’t be, could I? We were done, I was on birth control and life was already crazy.

You know those times when you just stare off into nothingness and every thought and fear you have ever had flash right before your eyes? Yeah, I had that the day I saw that big fat positive. We were now expecting baby #4. FOUR…..that is one more than three, one more mouth to feed, one more little tiny human wrecking ball. How was I going to do it? I do not have enough hands or energy.

I was full of so many emotions and it was absolutely overwhelming. I have always wanted four children but I had given up on that dream with health issues and a hysterectomy in my near future. My scheduled appointment with my OBGYN to get the surgery on the books would actually turn into my first prenatal appointment. Talk about a  shock.

As soon as I saw the positive sign, I went straight outside to tell my husband. There was no time for a cutesy announcement, I needed to know his reaction and I needed to know now.  Was he going to be just as shocked as I was? Would we share the same fears?

I tell him, he responds with a smile and “Maybe it will be another girl.”

Wait? Another girl………oh man, what if it is another girl? A sweet little baby girl wrapped in pink, that newborn smell, her precious little head resting on my chest, her innocence as she discovers the world around her and the unbreakable bond she will have with her older brothers and sister. “What if it is another girl?”

A new rush of emotions came over me. The thought of our new and changing future didn’t seem so scary. The emotions were still overwhelming but not near as knee shaking. We were going to have another baby. I honestly didn’t think I would ever say those words again.

My nerves instantly turned to gratitude. I almost lost my husband in a line of duty accident two years ago. Through that time and in his recovery I could have never dreamed we would be adding one more member to our family. I am internally grateful for the gift of his life and the gift of this new life growing inside of me.

My family has been given the gift of life in so many ways and not a day goes by that I will take that for granted. This doesn’t mean that I don’t carry fears around. I still question my ability to care for four children, I still worry I won’t be enough for them but I am steady in the thankfulness to prove myself wrong. I know this growing love in my heart will be enough to sustain my fears.

It doesn’t matter what emotions you have when you find out, don’t feel guilty about it. I went from being shaken from shock to standing in awe in a matter of minutes. Even if it takes you hours, days, or months don’t worry, you got this. You are going to rock on this new journey of motherhood. Sometimes our greatest blessings come when we expect it the least.

Oh, and baby is a girl in case you were wondering. Our little family is looking forward to meeting Miss Maebri in June.

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